Life Mattere

If I didn't feel old, I do now!

By LINDA PETERSEN
Posted 1/24/20

I was happily minding my somewhat middle age business, (were I to live to be 120 years old.) All of a sudden, my e-mails have exploded with information on things I never knew I needed. The HARP Program will lower my mortgage rates to 2.65 peercent, which

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Life Mattere

If I didn't feel old, I do now!

Posted

I was happily minding my somewhat middle age business, (were I to live to be 120 years old.) All of a sudden, my e-mails have exploded with information on things I never knew I needed.

The HARP Program will lower my mortgage rates to 2.65 peercent, which will result in a 50 percent reduction in my monthly payments. Of course, an unattainable perfect credit score is needed, which automatically eliminates me from this windfall.

Emails from HealthGradesPro alerts me to health changes I must make due to my age. I must get an annual physical because of an increased risk for a variety of diseases including arthritis, diabetes and Alzheimer’s disease, which tend to "soar with age." I need to eliminate lifting heavy weights at the gym and showing off my muscle strength. My heart is more vulnerable than it was before, and I need to eliminate heavy workouts to prevent muscle strains, neck and back injuries and fractures. (Fortunately, this task is easy to do!) Stress needs to be eliminated as it could seriously cause a whole host of health issues. To do so, I can ignore my adult children and their needs, along with any unpaid medical bills, home repairs, or other issues that would inadvertently cause me stress. (My children will resent me, I will get sued for unpaid bills, and my house will fall apart. But I won't have any stress!)

Emails from CVS offer me money and discounted items, Walgreens reminds me that my prescriptions are ready, and Rite Care teases me with the minuscule amount of bonus points I have earned during my infrequent shopping in their stores.

The number of email offers from credit cards is staggering: 5% interest, 2% interest, free. Who do they expect to pay off these cards once I have maxed them out? My children? No, they would still be angry with me for ignoring them and their problems. The magical answer is solved by the equal number of debt relief e-mails. I can get out of debt for a fraction of what I owe. Doesn't that sound great?

Then there are the emails touting breathing green charcoal, taking an amazing pill to lose weight (seen on “Shark Tank,” a favorite show of mine) and the unbelievable benefits of taking Omega-3s and probiotics. Where were these suggestions when I was younger and slimmer? At this stage of the game, it seems like a losing cause.

I get emails for wrinkle erasers and toenail fungus fixes, Imogen oxygen and Viagra, men's shaving accoutrements and walk-in bathtubs, life insurance and health insurance policies, adult diapers and hearing aids. I can get $850 off the price of installing a home security system, without any mention of the monthly fee that needs to be paid forever to the company that manages the system.

Then there are the emails about remarkable senior discounts that may be available if the restaurant is participating. Applebee's gives a 10% discount, Burger King has a 10% discount, Chili's is 10% off, Denny's gives 10%, IHOP is 10%, KFC will give you a free small drink with a meal, McDonald's has discounts on coffee and soft drinks, Sonic gives a choice of free beverage, Subway, Taco Bell and Wendy's is 10% off and, unbelievably, it has been advertised that Dunkin' Donuts gives 10% off or a free donut when buying coffee. Whether these discounts hold up in our local restaurants remains to be seen, and I need to do my due diligence by checking them all out. Finally, a great benefit to being older than middle age!

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